By The Numbers

When AIM first came out and chatting it up with strange guys didn't get much more personal than a/s/l, I was up till the wee hours of the morning talking about myself.  I remember one time transposing the numbers 124 to read 142 lbs and thinking "I will KILL myself if I am ever 142 lbs!"  Now, I'd kill to BE 142 lbs. 

Perspective is a strange beast.  Every time I've stepped on the scale since I was 14, I've declared that this is the heaviest I would ever be.   You know what?  I'm a big fat(ter) liar!

But, even a few months ago, seeing the scale read 199, I was happy to at least know it wasn't yet at 200.  Until I hit 205.

I guess I have delusions of myself.  I mean, I think I'm gross in an internal world.  But I don't see myself and huge.   I wear a size 14 and that pisses me off.  But then I think, well, it's not a 24.  But, I'm over 200 lbs.  Men shouldn't even weigh that much.   I feel gross.  Disgusted with myself.

I've been seeing a trainer four days a week for the last three weeks.  I am part of a weight loss competition for some radio station.  I have a team of three other people.  We are competing against two or three other gym teams. And in two weeks, we have our final weigh-in.  As of last week, the one guy on our team has dropped 20 pounds.  His 128 lb fiance is down to 120.  And the other girl is steadily trucking along.  I, on the other hand, have only lost 2 pounds.  Figure that out.

I mean, fine.  I had beer and bbq over Memorial Day.  I downed pitchers singing karaoke.  I made and ate chocolate chip cookies, and might have had stuffed French toast one morning.  BUT.  The bottom line is that I have been going to the gym four times a week.  I have been sweating and lifting and doing squats!  And planks!  And strange combinations that I am not coordinated enough to do using machines that scare me.  But I'm doing it and doing it well.  And aside from the four days that I didn't count my calories, I've been steadily eating a protein-rich, low fat, low carb 1300 calorie diet.

So, they tell me I need to do more cardio.  Ugh, but when??  And right, that's a stupid question.  I could do it before my morning sessions or after my evening sessions at the gym.  Or, I could do it on my three off-days.  But, God, I don't wanna!

I'm trying more with the food.  In general I eat well.  But when I'm off, I'm off.  So, I need to be more mindful.  I really thought, after years of random dieting, that the only way I'd lose would be to exercise regularly. (PS, I can't even spell exercise correctly without spellcheck!) I'm doomed!