I think that I've come a long way.
My friend, Cesca's father passed away this week. She has every right to flip out. She was a thirteen hour plane ride away when it happened, and needed to get back home. During travel arrangements things got sticky a couple of times. She told me later that she "flipped out like you before the therapy."
That's pretty sad. I can say that at least I've figured out some of that. My anger and short fuse were the demise of my relationship. And probably the biggest obstacle I've faced throughout my whole life. I've been the thing that's held me back and made me unhappy....and miserable in the past.
After Lee and I broke up, I immediately started seeing a therapist. The trigger? Lee told me that he couldn't bring kids into the hostile environment that I created. To hear that, so clearly, so directly, from the man I thought I was going to marry... well, that shook me hard. That made me snap the fuck out of my pitiful being.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't blame myself for losing that. But, I also feel that I spent twenty six years throwing tantrums. And that I sorta deserved to be punished for my actions. I'm still being punished.
I look at everything differently. It's like a switch went off in my head as I pulled out of his parking lot with my car filled to the brim with three years worth of stuff left behind. With my bike strapped to the trunk. With my towels and tooth brush and pajamas and shoes and laundry and movies and books and life. I knew instantly that I had to change. And I have.
I can't get angry over stupid menial things any more. In fact, it's funny, I can't say I've really been angry at all since the break up. That's strange for me to say since I spent nearly every day of my life prior to that awful day in August, yelling and stomping about something.
God. If only I had been smart enough to fix myself before losing him.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Turn Your Head and Cough
Well. It's official. I just opened my Amazon package containing my TEAS study guide. The TEAS is way less fun that the name suggests. It's the nursing school entrance exam. It tests you on some weird crap. Apparently, it's mostly a general aptitude test that includes reading comprehension, language, math and basic science. But, I've run across some practice questions that are just ridiculous. But, whatever. I've gotta do it.
I am often asked about what brought this major career switch to the forefront. I'm currently in marketing. I always assumed I'd have an MBA before I turned 30. I'm 27 and I have zero desire to continue on in the corporate office environment. I feel it's slowly killing me. And, I like my current job.
The school I went to required six months of classroom study and six months of internships each year. So, upon graduating I had about two years of office experience. (Part of that was spent bartending, but we don't talk about that.) During that time I did have some beneficial experiences as well. I spent six months at an advertising agency in downtown boston and six months at a major media company. Working at the giant company as a menial peon made me angry. I guess I think I'm important. I don't like office politics. I don't kiss ass. I don't call my co-workers "Mr." or "Ms." because it's ridiculous.
I don't like that at the end of the day, leaving the office, I felt like I had no impact in anything. I don't like that I worked there fore $8 an hour, while the ads and programs I scheduled made billions for the C-level staff.
After college, I changed my focus. Instead of running to the nearest ad agency or media company, I chose to work for a national charitable organization doing PR and marketing. But guess what. A desk's a desk. Shortly after starting, I realized that I was wasting my early 20's sitting in front of a computer, teaching others how to use Excel, and walking on eggshells. I was given constant "professional development" advice from some people who had the worst business sense and ass-kissery I'd ever encountered. I was told I couldn't speak directly to my SVP. What?
While my press releases and instruction manuals did, eventually, lead down a long windy road that resulted in providing charitable aid to people, it was difficult to "feel" that I was having an impact. And, with that missing, I learned that that's what I was craving.
It's funny. I went to a great school for careers in the healthcare sector. Of course, I had no interest in that back then. Now, I'm rushing around, going to night school at a community college to obtain the necessary prerequisites for entry into one of several mediocre Associates degree programs that cater to evening and weekend schedule needs. All in all, it's going to take me longer to complete an AS than it did to complete my BS plus two years of internships.
Regardless of how much effort it will take, I am happy to be doing some hard work in a totally foreign field to achieve an actual goal. Plus, I get to wear a white lab coat.
I am often asked about what brought this major career switch to the forefront. I'm currently in marketing. I always assumed I'd have an MBA before I turned 30. I'm 27 and I have zero desire to continue on in the corporate office environment. I feel it's slowly killing me. And, I like my current job.
The school I went to required six months of classroom study and six months of internships each year. So, upon graduating I had about two years of office experience. (Part of that was spent bartending, but we don't talk about that.) During that time I did have some beneficial experiences as well. I spent six months at an advertising agency in downtown boston and six months at a major media company. Working at the giant company as a menial peon made me angry. I guess I think I'm important. I don't like office politics. I don't kiss ass. I don't call my co-workers "Mr." or "Ms." because it's ridiculous.
I don't like that at the end of the day, leaving the office, I felt like I had no impact in anything. I don't like that I worked there fore $8 an hour, while the ads and programs I scheduled made billions for the C-level staff.
After college, I changed my focus. Instead of running to the nearest ad agency or media company, I chose to work for a national charitable organization doing PR and marketing. But guess what. A desk's a desk. Shortly after starting, I realized that I was wasting my early 20's sitting in front of a computer, teaching others how to use Excel, and walking on eggshells. I was given constant "professional development" advice from some people who had the worst business sense and ass-kissery I'd ever encountered. I was told I couldn't speak directly to my SVP. What?
While my press releases and instruction manuals did, eventually, lead down a long windy road that resulted in providing charitable aid to people, it was difficult to "feel" that I was having an impact. And, with that missing, I learned that that's what I was craving.
It's funny. I went to a great school for careers in the healthcare sector. Of course, I had no interest in that back then. Now, I'm rushing around, going to night school at a community college to obtain the necessary prerequisites for entry into one of several mediocre Associates degree programs that cater to evening and weekend schedule needs. All in all, it's going to take me longer to complete an AS than it did to complete my BS plus two years of internships.
Regardless of how much effort it will take, I am happy to be doing some hard work in a totally foreign field to achieve an actual goal. Plus, I get to wear a white lab coat.
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