I need support now more than ever. I was so lucky to be a part of a weight loss competition with a local radio station. They gave us six weeks to work with a group of personal trainers. I was there four times a week doing strength and cardio. They helped me monitor my nutrition and everything. It was incredible. But it's over now.
At the end of the competition, my team won. Together we lost 46 inches and 55lbs. I only lost 7lbs, but that was all in the last two weeks. I did, however, lose 9.5 inches. 2.75 of which were from my waist alone.
I don't want to stop. But, the competition is over, along with the free training sessions. And I can't afford a trainer on my own. I wish I could. Having someone there routing you on is incredible. Even knowing that someone is waiting for you for that 6:45am appointment makes hitting the snooze button less of an option.
I'm fearful that I won't be able to keep going alone. Let me rephrase that. It's not about ABILITY. I'm afraid that I won't be motivated to keep it going. That I will just fall back into my lazy cycle. I am, however, trying to make small changes in my entire life. Like, I'm trying to make my bed every morning. I know that sounds stupid and trivial, but I never have made my bed (and I'm a nurse, go figure). My mom just did it for me. And I've always lived alone, or at least had my own room since then... But, it's one thing I'm trying to do every day. Next step, put my laundry away as soon as I take it out of the dryer. Oh, do I dread that.
But, with this exercise and weight loss journey, I really think support from others will be the biggest help.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Cee In Training
I've been working out. I'm not really seeing the results I want, but hell…. I gotta do it. Monday and Friday mornings I work with a trainer. She's good. She makes me feel sore for the next 24 hours. We do a lot of work on my arms, butt and trunk/abs. It's like the total chick-needs workout. We do some cardio, like the treadmill or the bike or jumping on that half ball thing.
Wednesday I'm with a guy I don't know to well, but he seems like he knows what he's doing. It's better when the trainer knows you better. I think my morning trainer has a better feel for my capabilities and needs. Thursday, I work with the owner of the gym. He's good. You can just tell. He pushes me. Maybe it's a little too much because my body gives up. But is that what he's supposed to do? I really have no clue.
After 5 weeks, I'm only down 7 pounds. That just sucks. Realistically, I'd like to get ride of another 40. It's hard. I've dedicated so much already and I'm just not seeing what I'd like to see. And what's worst of all is that this free membership to the gym is running out. I'm almost done. What do I do after that? How do I keep moving?
Wednesday I'm with a guy I don't know to well, but he seems like he knows what he's doing. It's better when the trainer knows you better. I think my morning trainer has a better feel for my capabilities and needs. Thursday, I work with the owner of the gym. He's good. You can just tell. He pushes me. Maybe it's a little too much because my body gives up. But is that what he's supposed to do? I really have no clue.
After 5 weeks, I'm only down 7 pounds. That just sucks. Realistically, I'd like to get ride of another 40. It's hard. I've dedicated so much already and I'm just not seeing what I'd like to see. And what's worst of all is that this free membership to the gym is running out. I'm almost done. What do I do after that? How do I keep moving?
Monday, July 18, 2011
By The Numbers
When AIM first came out and chatting it up with strange guys didn't get much more personal than a/s/l, I was up till the wee hours of the morning talking about myself. I remember one time transposing the numbers 124 to read 142 lbs and thinking "I will KILL myself if I am ever 142 lbs!" Now, I'd kill to BE 142 lbs.
Perspective is a strange beast. Every time I've stepped on the scale since I was 14, I've declared that this is the heaviest I would ever be. You know what? I'm a big fat(ter) liar!
But, even a few months ago, seeing the scale read 199, I was happy to at least know it wasn't yet at 200. Until I hit 205.
I guess I have delusions of myself. I mean, I think I'm gross in an internal world. But I don't see myself and huge. I wear a size 14 and that pisses me off. But then I think, well, it's not a 24. But, I'm over 200 lbs. Men shouldn't even weigh that much. I feel gross. Disgusted with myself.
I've been seeing a trainer four days a week for the last three weeks. I am part of a weight loss competition for some radio station. I have a team of three other people. We are competing against two or three other gym teams. And in two weeks, we have our final weigh-in. As of last week, the one guy on our team has dropped 20 pounds. His 128 lb fiance is down to 120. And the other girl is steadily trucking along. I, on the other hand, have only lost 2 pounds. Figure that out.
I mean, fine. I had beer and bbq over Memorial Day. I downed pitchers singing karaoke. I made and ate chocolate chip cookies, and might have had stuffed French toast one morning. BUT. The bottom line is that I have been going to the gym four times a week. I have been sweating and lifting and doing squats! And planks! And strange combinations that I am not coordinated enough to do using machines that scare me. But I'm doing it and doing it well. And aside from the four days that I didn't count my calories, I've been steadily eating a protein-rich, low fat, low carb 1300 calorie diet.
So, they tell me I need to do more cardio. Ugh, but when?? And right, that's a stupid question. I could do it before my morning sessions or after my evening sessions at the gym. Or, I could do it on my three off-days. But, God, I don't wanna!
I'm trying more with the food. In general I eat well. But when I'm off, I'm off. So, I need to be more mindful. I really thought, after years of random dieting, that the only way I'd lose would be to exercise regularly. (PS, I can't even spell exercise correctly without spellcheck!) I'm doomed!
Perspective is a strange beast. Every time I've stepped on the scale since I was 14, I've declared that this is the heaviest I would ever be. You know what? I'm a big fat(ter) liar!
But, even a few months ago, seeing the scale read 199, I was happy to at least know it wasn't yet at 200. Until I hit 205.
I guess I have delusions of myself. I mean, I think I'm gross in an internal world. But I don't see myself and huge. I wear a size 14 and that pisses me off. But then I think, well, it's not a 24. But, I'm over 200 lbs. Men shouldn't even weigh that much. I feel gross. Disgusted with myself.
I've been seeing a trainer four days a week for the last three weeks. I am part of a weight loss competition for some radio station. I have a team of three other people. We are competing against two or three other gym teams. And in two weeks, we have our final weigh-in. As of last week, the one guy on our team has dropped 20 pounds. His 128 lb fiance is down to 120. And the other girl is steadily trucking along. I, on the other hand, have only lost 2 pounds. Figure that out.
I mean, fine. I had beer and bbq over Memorial Day. I downed pitchers singing karaoke. I made and ate chocolate chip cookies, and might have had stuffed French toast one morning. BUT. The bottom line is that I have been going to the gym four times a week. I have been sweating and lifting and doing squats! And planks! And strange combinations that I am not coordinated enough to do using machines that scare me. But I'm doing it and doing it well. And aside from the four days that I didn't count my calories, I've been steadily eating a protein-rich, low fat, low carb 1300 calorie diet.
So, they tell me I need to do more cardio. Ugh, but when?? And right, that's a stupid question. I could do it before my morning sessions or after my evening sessions at the gym. Or, I could do it on my three off-days. But, God, I don't wanna!
I'm trying more with the food. In general I eat well. But when I'm off, I'm off. So, I need to be more mindful. I really thought, after years of random dieting, that the only way I'd lose would be to exercise regularly. (PS, I can't even spell exercise correctly without spellcheck!) I'm doomed!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Stress Related Obesity
I've only lost weight twice in my life. Once, when I was fourteen and stopped eating. And once when my ex and I broke up and I was too distraught to eat for three weeks.
Prior to The Break-up of '08 I never understood those women who couldn't eat when they were upset. Nothing soothes me better when I'm feeling blue than bottle of wine and some fresh chocolate chip cookies. Or mac and cheese. Or just cheese. But I guess I never had that crushing sadness before The Break-up.
Of course, it was absolutely the right move to end the relationship, but I couldn't believe that at the time. After three weeks of mourning, I pulled myself out of bed, put on some newly-loose pants and stepped on the scale. I'd dropped 11 lbs in three weeks. Sweet! I made sure everyone knew that, too. I was proud. Proud at 175 lbs.
By the following year I put on 5 pounds. That was about my average - 5 lbs a year. It doesn't seem like a lot, and really, one wouldn't ever notice it. But, when you look back 10 years - holy crap, that's 50 lbs!
Then I started nursing school. That was two years of extreme stress, vending machine dinners, late night study snacking and wine. In my two years of school, I gained 19 pounds. And I was officially a cow. And taking off that weight ain't easy. I don't even know where to begin.
Prior to The Break-up of '08 I never understood those women who couldn't eat when they were upset. Nothing soothes me better when I'm feeling blue than bottle of wine and some fresh chocolate chip cookies. Or mac and cheese. Or just cheese. But I guess I never had that crushing sadness before The Break-up.
Of course, it was absolutely the right move to end the relationship, but I couldn't believe that at the time. After three weeks of mourning, I pulled myself out of bed, put on some newly-loose pants and stepped on the scale. I'd dropped 11 lbs in three weeks. Sweet! I made sure everyone knew that, too. I was proud. Proud at 175 lbs.
By the following year I put on 5 pounds. That was about my average - 5 lbs a year. It doesn't seem like a lot, and really, one wouldn't ever notice it. But, when you look back 10 years - holy crap, that's 50 lbs!
Then I started nursing school. That was two years of extreme stress, vending machine dinners, late night study snacking and wine. In my two years of school, I gained 19 pounds. And I was officially a cow. And taking off that weight ain't easy. I don't even know where to begin.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
It's Never Really Gone - Like Herpes
In college, one of my new best friends had been recently hospitalized for complications related to her anorexia. Instantly I was jealous of her for having the will power to not eat. (I know, it was insane). My dabble in anorexia was short-lived, and only took me to a slightly underweight level. And then I discovered my love of food and vodka.
But this new friend, she was so GOOD at it. I resented her for it. I fancied myself "recovered" but that was a sham. I think my constant focusing on what she ate actually helped her in the long run. Your average Anorexic doesn't typically want others to notice her eating habits. She wants you to think she eats like a bird naturally. She wants you to see that she didn't clear her plate, but she doesn't want you to observe her scraping up the last bits of blue cheese dressing and licking it clean. I think the "I know what you're doing" eyes I gave her did help her after all.
She's very strong and healthy now. And we're still great friends. I don't think she ever knew that I was jealous of her eating disorder though. It probably wouldn't have helped her back then.
Sometimes now, I wish I had the "will power" to avoid food. Instead, I usually have a snack.
But this new friend, she was so GOOD at it. I resented her for it. I fancied myself "recovered" but that was a sham. I think my constant focusing on what she ate actually helped her in the long run. Your average Anorexic doesn't typically want others to notice her eating habits. She wants you to think she eats like a bird naturally. She wants you to see that she didn't clear her plate, but she doesn't want you to observe her scraping up the last bits of blue cheese dressing and licking it clean. I think the "I know what you're doing" eyes I gave her did help her after all.
She's very strong and healthy now. And we're still great friends. I don't think she ever knew that I was jealous of her eating disorder though. It probably wouldn't have helped her back then.
Sometimes now, I wish I had the "will power" to avoid food. Instead, I usually have a snack.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Remember How I Finished Nursing School?
That was over a month ago. Remember how I was supposed to spend all my free time studying for the NCLEX? Remember how I was gonna ACE it? Yeah, well, I'm looking at the test just a few weeks away... and I haven't even started preparing. I'm an idiot.
Time to do some questions. God!!
Time to do some questions. God!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Dr. Cee's Theory On The Booze And The LBS
I don't know what an average college girl drinks, but my friends and I weren't messing around. We blacked out, passed out, fell down, and one of us chipped her tooth on the floor of the bar. We were in it to win it. I easily consumed 1500 calories in a night out drinking. Jack and Cokes and Jaager shots added up. Not to mention the 3am nacho fiesta we'd prepare when we got home. But, here's the thing: after I awoken from my spinning fog, i'd spend the next 24 hours vomiting. Alcohol bulimia - binge drinking and projectile purging. It sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's why I didn't gain any weight in college. This is not a diet I recommend for anyone's stomach, blood-brain barrier, optic blood vessels, throat or tooth enamel. Or dignity.
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