a long ride

Dairy Free: Day 1

2011-08-16T15:29:00.001-04:00

I'm doing the Dairy Free Challenge. The site says:

"What is the worst that could happen? Absolutely nothing…you have no reaction, no change, you go back to your cheesy habits. What is the best that could happen? Your migraines subside, your cholesterol plummets, your energy increases, your body seems lighter, your stomach calms down, you just FEEL BETTER."

And, they're right… It is comprised of a 10 day dairy-free diet. The first seven days are the initial dairy break where all of the dairy enzymes are being eliminated from your body. The beginning includes documenting your feelings, physically and emotionally… after the 10th day, you can reintroduce dairy. And for the next three days you once again document your feelings. The idea is that you'll feel overwhelmingly better on the days that you are not eating dairy.

Many people who have taken the challenge - whether officially, or on their own, have reported reduced joint pains, aches, migraines, bloating and better sleep. With that information, I've set a couple of goals for myself in the hopes of linking some of my chronic problems with my diet. The initial and ongoing journal assessments list categories to measure and monitor changes in your health. You rate various details of your digestive, respiratory and integumentary (skin) systems, as well as sleep and psychological factors. Interestingly enough, I have chronic symptoms in each of these categories. Therefore, I've chosen to list a goal in each:

Decrease congestion. For nearly six months, I've had congested sinuses. I saw an ENT, had a scope, and all looks good. I've also been wheezing occasionally - which is new for me. I have an epi inhaler for emergencies, and have been prescribed some nasal sprays and Singulair (which I stopped taking). I've opted for more holistic solutions like a Neti pot, saline spray, sinus massaging, a humidifier and increasing my fluid intake. I haven't seen any progress, so I wonder if the dairy consumption has anything to do w/ this...
Healthier digestion. It's pretty much a norm for me to feel full until I'm starving. I have a disorder called gastroparesis - which literally means "slow stomach." I don't know if it's all connected, as my gastroenterologist didn't seem to bothered by it, but I also have acid reflux and not so healthy or consistent "emptying" if you know what I mean.
Clearer skin. While I've never really had acne, I do get MASSIVE pimples. Usually one or two at a time.. but always those giant ones that I end up trying to pop way too early, which leads to weeks of red spots. I never learn.
Improved sleep. Lately, I've had poor sleep. I think it's related to the fact that I can't really breath. But, last night I woke up in a cold sweat... it's happened a couple of times in the last month. I think this could be related to stress, but maybe not.
Reduce aches. I carry my tension in between my shoulder blades. My knees ache sometimes and my headaches never ease. I'm hoping removing something that may be toxic to my body will help.

And so begins day one. Coffee w/ soy creamer and some Nature's Path Organic Flax Plus Maple Pecan Crunch w/ Blue Diamond Vanilla Almond Breeze.

And the very TMI stats for my pre-dairy-free day 1 (yesterday).

Don't Say "Cheese!"

2011-08-16T11:18:00.000-04:00

Grumble….gurgle…blerghhhhh.   Ahh the sound of dairy + me. Like everyone else, I am, to a degree, lactose intolerant.   That really puts a damper on my cheese eating, I tell ya. Well, no it doesn't. And therein lies the problem.

I'm Italian. I could - and pretty much do - live on a diet of cheese, bread and wine. Sadly, my body doesn't agree to this regimen.   I can't handle the dairy. Oh, and I have a gluten intolerance to boot. Well, a girl can't live on wine alone….

A few years back, when I first learned about this gluten issue, I tried to go gluten free. You know what sucks? Gluten free bread products. Disorders like Celiac Disease can be quite dangerous, if gluten isn't avoided. Luckily I do not have Celiac, but an intolerance. It's mostly just uncomfortable. Sometime debilitating. But, not dangerous. So, after a few weeks without gluten, I just gave up. The quality of life was just not worth it. Opportunity cost and all that…

Over the years, I've gotten much healthier in my eating.   But, I still partake in dairy and gluten. I would actually rather give up gluten than dairy.   I can eat cheese by itself, you know…. I love me some Chobani. And sometimes a girl just needs some chocolate milk. I don't drink a lot of milk, and what I do in my home is lactose-free. Cheese, on the other hand… and yogurt. I think yogurt's bacterial flora helps to balance things out, mostly, but not entirely. (gurgle)

I'm trying to pay better attention to my body. I'm not feeling so hot. My weight is stagnant. And I'm overly tired. So, I'm gonna try to get rid of the dairy. I purchased some Blue Diamond Almond Breeze for cereal and cooking and stuff. I got some Silk creamer for my coffee. I'm ignoring the fact that I just bought a twelve-pack of Chobani at Costco, and that cheese drawer doesn't exist.

I think, in the past, I've focused on too many eliminations at once. I've done South Beach/Atkins where I eliminated or greatly reduced my carb intake. That means no bread, no cereal, no oatmeal, no rice, no grains, no potatoes….. not for me. I've tried to go vegan, before taking a step to go veg. It's just too much. Focusing on dairy only should give me a good balance. Now, instead of cheese and crackers, maybe I'll go for some hummus.   My coffee's fine this morning - in fact, I prefer soy milk in my coffee anyway.

I came across the website www.godairyfree.org. Many people are opting for this lifestyle change as a means to overall better heath. It's not just about lactose, but dairy in general. While there's little convincing research that links dairy definitively to cancers, there have been some connections.   So what's to lose?

To Speak to a Representitive, Tweet Now.

2011-07-29T16:57:00.001-04:00

I decided to switch from my $49.99/month internet service with Cablevision to an "upgrade" with Verizon - FiOS TV & Internet for $69.99. Seemed simple enough, no?

That was on May 25th. When they came to install the service - which they failed to mention would take 8 hours - the guy planned on installing phone service as well, which I didn't want. But it seemed simple enough to remove that.

Then I didn't have service - TV or internet for six weeks. In the eight or so hours I spent on the phone with Verizon's customer service, they sent me a router, told me to jiggle the cable wire (yeah, for real), and dispatched three tech guys to come to my house - not one of which actually showed up.

Then I got the first bill, which was double what was promised. But a 2 hour long call to customer service and they swore the bill issue had been fixed. Until I got the next month's bill which was double the price of the first.

And you know who helped me? Twitter. Seriously? The only way to get support was to go stand on my internet soap box and publicly complain via 140 characters. Even that wasn't 100%, but they eventually got someone out to me, and placed follow-up calls.

Remember the days when we used to yearn to speak to someone in person? Now we need to pray that the company takes social media seriously. It's quite obvious that the small pool of people who seek support via social media, at least at Verizon (and Geico), are getting far better customer service than the masses.

Too bad that didn't work for Avis recently... More on my car-rental from hell later.

Giving My Marrow

2011-07-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

http://getswabbed.com

Bone marrow is the spongy part of some of your bones that contains stem cells. Stem cells are basically starter cells - they can transform into any cell in your body. Hence the science community's push for legislation that allows for harvesting said cells.

Specifically, the bone marrow stem cells can be made into new blood cells. The new blood cells can save the lives of patients suffering from blood cancers like leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma. A bone marrow transplant saved my boyfriend's father's life a few years ago, when he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, an aggressive and highly fatal form of blood cancer. He's now been cancer-free for over two years.

Today, I decided to join the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry (Be The Match Registry). There are several campaigns urging people to give, but little information about the process is publicly known. After reading this article in Marie Claire, I decided to just do it. According to the article, the author joined the registry at a marrow drive. She swabbed her inner cheek w/ a Q-Tip, and then went on her way. A little while later, she was contacted and a package was sent to her. She was a potential match for an 8-year old girl with leukemia. After committing to the donation, the process involved laying off of aspirin and alcohol for a couple of weeks and taking a med that increased her body's production of white blood cells. On the day of the harvest, she spent a couple of hours at the hospital, then took a nap and was back to normal. And the little girl lived. The little girl beat cancer.

Wow. I signed up online. Since you can't swab your cheek online, they'll be sending me the at-home swab kit. I'll need to send that back and then, just wait. I'll be on the donor list until I'm 61 - for more than thirty years. It's possibly that in that time, no one will match my genetics, but it's also possible that someone will. And I hope to be able to save someone's life one day.

Keep me honest

2011-07-25T14:17:00.001-04:00

I need support now more than ever. I was so lucky to be a part of a weight loss competition with a local radio station. They gave us six weeks to work with a group of personal trainers. I was there four times a week doing strength and cardio.   They helped me monitor my nutrition and everything. It was incredible. But it's over now.

At the end of the competition, my team won. Together we lost 46 inches and 55lbs. I only lost 7lbs, but that was all in the last two weeks.   I did, however, lose 9.5 inches. 2.75 of which were from my waist alone.

I don't want to stop. But, the competition is over, along with the free training sessions. And I can't afford a trainer on my own. I wish I could. Having someone there routing you on is incredible. Even knowing that someone is waiting for you for that 6:45am appointment makes hitting the snooze button less of an option.

I'm fearful that I won't be able to keep going alone. Let me rephrase that. It's not about ABILITY. I'm afraid that I won't be motivated to keep it going. That I will just fall back into my lazy cycle. I am, however, trying to make small changes in my entire life.   Like, I'm trying to make my bed every morning. I know that sounds stupid and trivial, but I never have made my bed (and I'm a nurse, go figure). My mom just did it for me. And I've always lived alone, or at least had my own room since then... But, it's one thing I'm trying to do every day. Next step, put my laundry away as soon as I take it out of the dryer. Oh, do I dread that.

But, with this exercise and weight loss journey, I really think support from others will be the biggest help.

Cee In Training

2011-07-21T10:32:00.002-04:00

I've been working out. I'm not really seeing the results I want, but hell…. I gotta do it. Monday and Friday mornings I work with a trainer. She's good. She makes me feel sore for the next 24 hours. We do a lot of work on my arms, butt and trunk/abs. It's like the total chick-needs workout. We do some cardio, like the treadmill or the bike or jumping on that half ball thing.

Wednesday I'm with a guy I don't know to well, but he seems like he knows what he's doing. It's better when the trainer knows you better. I think my morning trainer has a better feel for my capabilities and needs. Thursday, I work with the owner of the gym. He's good. You can just tell. He pushes me. Maybe it's a little too much because my body gives up. But is that what he's supposed to do? I really have no clue.

After 5 weeks, I'm only down 7 pounds. That just sucks. Realistically, I'd like to get ride of another 40. It's hard. I've dedicated so much already and I'm just not seeing what I'd like to see. And what's worst of all is that this free membership to the gym is running out. I'm almost done. What do I do after that? How do I keep moving?

By The Numbers

2011-07-18T10:27:00.001-04:00

When AIM first came out and chatting it up with strange guys didn't get much more personal than a/s/l, I was up till the wee hours of the morning talking about myself. I remember one time transposing the numbers 124 to read 142 lbs and thinking "I will KILL myself if I am ever 142 lbs!" Now, I'd kill to BE 142 lbs.

Perspective is a strange beast. Every time I've stepped on the scale since I was 14, I've declared that this is the heaviest I would ever be. You know what? I'm a big fat(ter) liar!

But, even a few months ago, seeing the scale read 199, I was happy to at least know it wasn't yet at 200. Until I hit 205.

I guess I have delusions of myself. I mean, I think I'm gross in an internal world. But I don't see myself and huge. I wear a size 14 and that pisses me off. But then I think, well, it's not a 24. But, I'm over 200 lbs. Men shouldn't even weigh that much. I feel gross. Disgusted with myself.

I've been seeing a trainer four days a week for the last three weeks. I am part of a weight loss competition for some radio station. I have a team of three other people. We are competing against two or three other gym teams. And in two weeks, we have our final weigh-in. As of last week, the one guy on our team has dropped 20 pounds. His 128 lb fiance is down to 120. And the other girl is steadily trucking along. I, on the other hand, have only lost 2 pounds. Figure that out.

I mean, fine. I had beer and bbq over Memorial Day. I downed pitchers singing karaoke. I made and ate chocolate chip cookies, and might have had stuffed French toast one morning. BUT. The bottom line is that I have been going to the gym four times a week. I have been sweating and lifting and doing squats! And planks! And strange combinations that I am not coordinated enough to do using machines that scare me. But I'm doing it and doing it well. And aside from the four days that I didn't count my calories, I've been steadily eating a protein-rich, low fat, low carb 1300 calorie diet.

So, they tell me I need to do more cardio. Ugh, but when?? And right, that's a stupid question. I could do it before my morning sessions or after my evening sessions at the gym. Or, I could do it on my three off-days. But, God, I don't wanna!

I'm trying more with the food. In general I eat well. But when I'm off, I'm off. So, I need to be more mindful. I really thought, after years of random dieting, that the only way I'd lose would be to exercise regularly. (PS, I can't even spell exercise correctly without spellcheck!) I'm doomed!

Stress Related Obesity

2011-07-13T10:22:00.000-04:00

I've only lost weight twice in my life. Once, when I was fourteen and stopped eating. And once when my ex and I broke up and I was too distraught to eat for three weeks.

Prior to The Break-up of '08 I never understood those women who couldn't eat when they were upset. Nothing soothes me better when I'm feeling blue than bottle of wine and some fresh chocolate chip cookies. Or mac and cheese. Or just cheese. But I guess I never had that crushing sadness before The Break-up.

Of course, it was absolutely the right move to end the relationship, but I couldn't believe that at the time. After three weeks of mourning, I pulled myself out of bed, put on some newly-loose pants and stepped on the scale. I'd dropped 11 lbs in three weeks. Sweet! I made sure everyone knew that, too. I was proud. Proud at 175 lbs.

By the following year I put on 5 pounds. That was about my average - 5 lbs a year. It doesn't seem like a lot, and really, one wouldn't ever notice it. But, when you look back 10 years - holy crap, that's 50 lbs!

Then I started nursing school. That was two years of extreme stress, vending machine dinners, late night study snacking and wine. In my two years of school, I gained 19 pounds. And I was officially a cow. And taking off that weight ain't easy. I don't even know where to begin.

It's Never Really Gone - Like Herpes

2011-07-07T10:09:00.000-04:00

In college, one of my new best friends had been recently hospitalized for complications related to her anorexia. Instantly I was jealous of her for having the will power to not eat. (I know, it was insane). My dabble in anorexia was short-lived, and only took me to a slightly underweight level. And then I discovered my love of food and vodka.

But this new friend, she was so GOOD at it. I resented her for it. I fancied myself "recovered" but that was a sham. I think my constant focusing on what she ate actually helped her in the long run. Your average Anorexic doesn't typically want others to notice her eating habits. She wants you to think she eats like a bird naturally. She wants you to see that she didn't clear her plate, but she doesn't want you to observe her scraping up the last bits of blue cheese dressing and licking it clean. I think the "I know what you're doing" eyes I gave her did help her after all.

She's very strong and healthy now. And we're still great friends. I don't think she ever knew that I was jealous of her eating disorder though. It probably wouldn't have helped her back then.

Sometimes now, I wish I had the "will power" to avoid food. Instead, I usually have a snack.

Remember How I Finished Nursing School?

2011-07-05T14:21:00.000-04:00

That was over a month ago. Remember how I was supposed to spend all my free time studying for the NCLEX? Remember how I was gonna ACE it? Yeah, well, I'm looking at the test just a few weeks away... and I haven't even started preparing. I'm an idiot.

Time to do some questions. God!!

Dr. Cee's Theory On The Booze And The LBS

2011-06-29T16:16:00.000-04:00

I don't know what an average college girl drinks, but my friends and I weren't messing around. We blacked out, passed out, fell down, and one of us chipped her tooth on the floor of the bar. We were in it to win it. I easily consumed 1500 calories in a night out drinking. Jack and Cokes and Jaager shots added up. Not to mention the 3am nacho fiesta we'd prepare when we got home. But, here's the thing: after I awoken from my spinning fog, i'd spend the next 24 hours vomiting. Alcohol bulimia - binge drinking and projectile purging. It sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's why I didn't gain any weight in college. This is not a diet I recommend for anyone's stomach, blood-brain barrier, optic blood vessels, throat or tooth enamel. Or dignity.

Dabbling In Anorexia

2011-06-28T14:54:00.000-04:00

As I started growing taller, I was still fat. In eighth grade I made some new friends. And I decided I wanted to date boys. Remembering the fond words of a family member "you're getting FAT" on Christmas Eve, I knew the time to hesitate was through. Clearly, the only thing I could do was stop eating. So, for about a year I ate bagels. Well, one bagel. One cinnamon raisin bagel per day, to be specific. I started eating it when I began to feel dizzy in the morning at school… and nibbled on it, pulling the skin layer off first, then the insides. That would last me throughout the school day. If I was hungry, I'd swallow the piece of gum I'd been chewing all day. That gave my stomach something to work at as it tried desperately to pull nutrients from my ten calorie stick. I'd come home and have a lovely nutritious iceberg lettuce and tomato salad with fat free Hidden Valley Italian dressing. I dropped 40 lbs that year. My doctor applauded my hard work. Dumb ass couldn't spot an eating disorder staring him in the eyes.

Word to the wise... when a 14 year old girl drops 40lbs in a year, ask her more than "are you eating?"

But, screw it, I landed a boyfriend! And I bought a bikini. Va-va-voom. The Goodyear Blimp was now dating boys, breaking up with them and picking up new ones, turning down guys she'd been in love with in middle school…. all that in a lime green mini skirt - size 5, bitches!

Then I discovered alcohol. Surely binge drinking didn't have anything to do with the weight gain - actually I have a theory on that.

Movin' and Shakin' and Jigglin'

2011-06-27T14:47:00.001-04:00

That same summer when Lauren sent my fat ass running home, thighs rubbing together, my family moved. Ahh a new start. And stress. And gaining weight.   When I started fourth grade, I thought I was hot stuff. (I even wore a fire engine red skirt and matching striped shirt to school on the first day. The look was completed with slouch socks and Keds. Not to mention the fact that I slept with curlers in my bangs for the perfect poof. Hot.) Until this giant boy started referring to me as the Goodyear Blimp. I didn't even know what that was, but I knew "blimp" was not a flattering term. He said it a lot. I hated it. But, then I got boobs later that year, and started wearing a training bra, so his opinion didn't matter so much anymore. But, I was definitely still fat.

During that time my brother was way too skinny. He's three years younger than me and was a string bean.   So, my dad would make him egg nog every night. With whole raw eggs, milk, ice cream, peanut butter, bananas and chocolate syrup all blended up. And you bet your ass Fatty Cee always gulped down a glass. You'd think maybe Pops might have thought to encourage the fat kid to abstain.

Over the next two years, I got eight teeth pulled, leaving my four front top and bottom teeth in a partially-toothed smile. Sexy. Oh, and poofy bangs. One year, for Christmas, I asked for jeans from one of my favorite shops in the mall. I wanted green jeans, and purple jeans and red jeans and yellow jeans, and of course white jeans. It was 1993. I told my mom over and over again that I was a size 5. I don't where the idea that I was a size 5 came from, but I was sure of it. I'd probably heard Brenda Walsh ask for a size 5 or something. I'd never tried on a pair of jeans before that.

I was sorely disappointed come Christmas morning when not one of the rad new jeans zipped up.   I cried.

A few days later, my mom took me to the mall to exchange my jeans. The 7's didn't fit, nor the 9's. And I remember telling my mother that I would NOT be wearing any size larger than that. This was just the first in a long history of fitting-room-provoked-tantrums. I left the mall without anything but a receipt for returned items.

And I began wearing my mom's hand-me-down acid washed stretch jeans. Cesca fondly reminds me that they had no pockets, and had lace up the side. I really was sexy.

one of the many reasons I will never raise children in manhattan

2011-06-26T11:39:00.001-04:00

I’m sitting at a nail salon on the Upper East Side in NYC ($50 mani/pedi btw. Ridiculous). There’s a mom in her forties sitting next to at the pedi station. She’s yelling across the room to her six year old daughter who is receiving a massage. Because six year olds are stressed, you know. The mother tells me to look over, saying that, at six, she had never even heard of a massage. I laugh - you know, because she sees who ridiculous this is as well, or so I thought. I said something about how my mom wouldn’t have allowed nail polish in the house (mess!) Mom goes, “ahhhhh, but it’s all part of the New York City lifestyle.”

After I vomited, she tells me about the woes of having to bring her daughter with her for her weekly mani/pedi/massage appointment. Gross. Later, she’s yelling “precious baby, don’t smudge your nails! Oh goodness!” Remember, she’s six. Later she’s advising the child to start a weekly blog (six) about the different nail polish colors she’s tried.

It’s all very magical until I’m interrupted by “YOU PAY NOW” and I scrounge around in my purse with wet hands for an outrageous sum of money. Have I mentioned that I hate the city. Not that the interpersonal skills at nail salons are any better in the burbs.

Anyway. As I’m leaving, I hear the mom telling the manicurist that her daughter’s prink finger is smudged and it should be fixed. Immediately. She has alot of errands to run, after all. Because it’s important that your nails are pristine when you’re playing in the sandbox.

Fat Kid

2011-06-25T10:12:00.000-04:00

Backing up a bit. I remember having weight issues as young as 8 or 9. I lived on the kind of block where all the kids ran wild until our respective mom's screamed "DINNNNNNNNER!!" and we disbursed.

Dinner usually consisted of some meat, breaded, and cooked in oil with a heaping side dish of cheese or butter drenched veggies. Nutrition wasn't a focus in my fam.

There was always a mixed bag of children of various ages around. I was in the second tier. There were a few of us around the same age in that 8-10 range. Then some younger kids and some older almost-junior-high-age kids.

I remember one girl, Lauren. She was heavy. So was her twin brother. And they were probably three or four years older than me. That instantly made them the coolest people in the world. Looking back, they were obnoxious. But in our kingdom, they reigned.

We played this game. I don't know why. Basically it was "See Who Can Push Someone The Furthest." As the pushee, you'd stand with your back to the pusher. They'd then see how far they could lunge you ahead. I still have a scar on my left elbow from when Lauren sent me flying to the blacktop. I remember her asking me "How much do you weigh? That was hard!" I answered with "65 pounds." That was untrue. I don't recall my actual weight, but it was probably closer to 90. She scoffed and called me a liar. I ran home and have no memory of seeing her again.

And so it began... I was aware. I was a fat kid and I knew it.

By The lbs

2011-06-24T10:09:00.001-04:00

I always fancied myself "athletic." But, really, that's a lie. Sure, I played softball as a kid. On the town rec team. In left center field. Until I was 13. I sucked. I played field hockey too. But I was cut from that team before hitting Varsity. I made my basketball debut on the freshman team - when they were actively recruiting enough players to make having a team justifiable. I don't even know the names of the positions. Our uniforms were cute though.

I went to my college's state-of-the-art gym about 10 times in my four years as a co-ed. And I've been a member of various gyms since entering the real world. I'm still paying for a membership to a gym I've seen twice. I don't even know where the locker rooms are.

And needless to say, I've steadily gained weight since the days of field hockey pre-season ended.

I was 121 at my lowest. I was 14 then. And I had just spent the summer between middle school and high school starving myself. My hip bones stuck out, and I loved it. In the morning, I could weigh around 119. Ohhh the teens. How I loved them.

I sucked at sports, but I played. Then I stopped. Then I got fat. Then I stopped eating and got skinny. Then I started drinking. Then I graduated college and sat on my ass for 8-10 hours a day in front of a computer screen. Then I weighed 200 lbs.

Can't Find a Betta Man

2011-06-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

That year or two after college is a time for nothing more than trouble. You don't quite know how to be an adult. You're not quite supposed to be out partying every night. You don't really know what to do at all. But, what you do know is that you can A) still hold your liquor, and B) afford way more of it than you could in college.

My girlfriends had fun after college. And during that time we came across an array of interesting young "men" while living and partying in NYC. From 5pm Friday night through the wee hours of Sunday morning, we let loose on NYC. After several months - and several "$3 deals" (a Pabst and a shot of tequila only available after 2AM) we decided it would be well worth our effort to document the series of guys we encountered.

And so, sometime during the summer of 2005, the Can't Find a Betta Man book was born. Its little black book-sized pages were quickly filled with the nicknames of men we dated, danced with, made out with, and ran back to tell each other about.

And, for your reading enjoyment, here's taste, with some commentary on what I can remember about these guys:

Indian Nelly
We ran into this gem in DC. He wore a Band-Aid on his cheek around the time that Nelly was rocking that look. Oh, and he was from India.

Doodle
During a party, Doodle was munching on some Cheese Doodles. After his tasty treat, he strolled over to one of my girls and tried to hit on her. He had orange crumbs all over himself. Including in his eyelashes. Somethings you just can't get past. Clearly, the relationship was destined for failure. For, he would never love her as much as he loved his Doodles.

Batman
Sometimes we went to the South. Sometimes we went to bars in the South. Sometimes these bars had Country Music Karaoke. Sometimes men dressed up as Batman performed renditions of Garth Brooks songs. Sometimes, we fell in love.

Stay tuned for more...

Cee In Training

2011-06-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

I've been working out. I'm not really seeing the results I want, but hell… I gotta do it. Monday and Friday mornings I work with a trainer. She's good. She makes me feel sore for the next 24 hours. We do a lot of work on my arms, butt and trunk/abs. It's like the total chick-needs workout. We do some cardio, like the treadmill or the bike or jumping on that half ball thing.

Wednesday I'm with a guy I don't know to well, but he seems like he knows what he's doing. It's better when the trainer knows you better. I think my morning trainer has a better feel for my capabilities and needs. Thursday, I work with the owner of the gym. He's good. You can just tell. He pushes me. Maybe it's a little too much because my body gives up. But is that what he's supposed to do? I really have no clue.

My cousin, J (from our poor attempt at bootcamp) entered us in a radio contest. Now, I have satellite radio, so apart from Opie & Anthony and Cosmo Radio (nice combo, huh?) I don't really delve much into the on-air world. Needless to say, I had never heard of the station, let alone the competition that J was interested in. Basically, it's a take on 'The Biggest Loser' where three teams of four are each assigned to local gyms, given trainers and compete against each other. Six weeks of free personal training, after two years of eating out of a vending machine during nursing school? Uh, yes. Sign me up.

I still don't know what the prize is. And I don't care. I have six weeks (I'm in week 5 now) of training for free. Final weigh-in and measurements are next week. The scale isn't making me happy, but I do feel toned. The fact that I'm not losing weight sucks because I had zero problem putting on 19lbs since Aug 2009. Hi, I'm fat.

On nursing school and adult diapers

2010-06-03T10:53:00.002-04:00

As a girl growing up in the suburbs with a stable family and never really going without, there are certain inevitabilities in life. You expect you'll go to college, you'll get too drunk and throw up. You'll clean up after a roommate. You'll have kids and change diapers. You'll get a dog who will poop on your carpet. Maybe you'll be a bartender and have to clean up after your college lacrosse team after a "fundraiser" gone awry.

I've recently completed my first full year of nursing school (by the skin of my teeth, but nonetheless), and finally have a minute (when I'm not studying for Pharmacology) to reflect on what I've been through so far. Nursing school is hard. And it kinda sucks. I've never worked harder at anything in my life. It makes me feel stupid. But, everyone feels the same way. So, we push on through. Clinical rotations, however, are amazing. For 8 hours a week, I play nurse in bright white (increasingly tighter) scrubs.

One thing that former-marketing-major-I-want-to-wear-a-power-suit chick would never have expected to be doing at 8AM on a Sunday morning - changing the adult diaper in a nursing home of a man I've never met before.

In theory, yes, it's kinda gross. In practice, however, it's much, much worse. Poop smells. Plus, you have to figure that someone who is incontinent and cannot clean himself, may have some other physical difficulties. Like, laying on his side. It took three of us to perform a bed bath on this man. Two to hold and one to clean. He wasn't a large man, but he was very stiff. He has osteoporosis and some other issues that make it painful and difficult to remain in that position.

And, while it is a shock - physically - to have to provide such a steep level of care for someone, it's really the emotion of it that's gotten to me. I can't imagine what it must be like to see a crew of 20-somethings in scrubs swarm in to wipe my butt.... To know that my whole life has already happened.

I guess this is why they start us in a long-term care facility. We're seeing people who have contributed so much for so many years. They deserve the best care.

I have finished my nursing home rotation, but each session was a challenge. The first two times, I was paired up with total-care patients who could do very little for themselves. The first week, the man I was caring for could barely speak. He was very weak, had a rough night's sleep and was fighting a pneumonia infection. The next time, I was caring for a man in a similar physical state, who was mentally aware. That was more difficult. He was so aware of what was going on and the fact that he couldn't help. He was also the man who needed the assistance of three nursing students.

In my third shift, I was assigned to a woman. She is in her mid 90's and has been diagnosed with dimentia. Physically, she's awesome, considering her age. And, she's a little hard of hearing, but mentally, she really seemed to be totally with it. She required some assistance. I had to wash her.... only after she stripped naked in the bathroom...without warning.. Which was a shock, since I had no clothes or towels ready for her... But, she was totally lucid and able to do much of her hygiene care herself. It wasn't until she said, while adjusting her bra "help me lift 'em in there" that I snapped back into the situation...

What keeps some people bed-ridden and others stripping in the bathroom? It's an incredible learning experience. In the lab, you get the techniques down. But in practice, you're not dealing with steps, you're dealing with people. I think some of the CNAs forget that sometimes. I know I'm green here, but I hope not to forget that. And, while we're at it, I hope no one ever has to "lift 'em in there" for me... whether I'm able to ask for it or not.

#17 So.. I adopted a cat.

2010-03-14T19:47:00.003-04:00

I pick him up next Saturday. I went to The Humane Society and fell in love. I left with an adoption contract and hives... I think this might be a bad idea.

UPDATE: He’s here. His name is Rex Manning (yes, it’s Rex Manning Day). Now, I can quote Empire Records everyday for good reason. He has a goatee. And a tie.

#9: Go to a country I've never been to

2010-03-14T19:29:00.001-04:00

Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

I spent four days in the beginning of this month in Puerto Plata, Domican Republic. My sister and I took a trip to Paradise for her final Spring Break of college. I graduated years ago, but far be it from me to miss an opportunity to go to an all-inclusive beach-front resort in the beginning of March.

It was beautiful. I wouldn't say it was the best trip I've been on, as far as destinations go, but I had an amazing time with my sister. The three bottles of sunblock we went through in a day and a half made sure that we didn't burn. We enjoyed our free drinks and food. We lounged by the pool and beach, danced at the disco and night club. We spent a rainy day swimming with dolphins, sharks and sting rays.

This leads me to #20. I didn't realize that I was actually terrified of sting rays. But, it turns out that I am. Like irrationally terrified. I don't have any photos of that endeavor because the proof was just too sad. Lisa and I screamed like little girls and I swear I almost cried. The animal trainers kept screwing with us because, after all, we were scared, screaming Americans.

Yes, that's a shark on our laps.

0 Down, 30 To Go

2010-02-26T19:14:00.000-05:00

In exactly two weeks, I will turn 28. That's almost 30. It got me thinking about all that I have done in my life, and all that I haven't. Over the next two years and two weeks, I hope to accomplish these thirty tasks. It's not that I'm not proud of where I am now - I've graduated from college, bought my own place (and a real, non-hand-me-down couch), I've been in love, I've learned to manage my crazy, I've lived in Europe, I've zip-lined and rock climbed and snow-shoed. I've been to Hawaii. I got into nursing school... But there's alot I haven't done. Thanks to my friend Rob, and his awesome 30x30 list, I've started my own. So, without further adieu, here's the list:

Bring my credit card debt to zero
~~Put "RN" after my name~~
Go to Nashville, Graceland and a rodeo
Learn to change a flat tire
Go parasailing
Go skydiving
Run a 10K
Do 100 pushups
~~Go to a country I've never been to~~ March 4, 2010
Go scuba diving
Go blonde
~~Keep a plant alive for six months~~
Go snowboarding
Take surfing lessons
See AFI's top 100 movies
Paint or draw something to hang in my place
~~Get a pet~~ March 14, 2010
Ride 100 miles on my bike
Play 18 holes of golf
~~Do something I'm terrified of~~ March 2, 2010
Buy myself an amazing piece of jewelery
Take a cross-country road trip
Host a fancy-pants dinner party
Read 10 classic novels
Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
Scan and organize my family's photos
Give blood
Spend a full day volunteering
Learn to drive stick
??? Open for suggestions

P.S. My blog is pink! :) :)

Boot Camp - Day 1

2009-05-11T07:22:00.004-04:00

My cousin and I joined a four-week, five-days-a-week boot camp. Monday, Wednesday and Friday cardio and strength training. Tuesday and Thursday yoga. Today was day one. Day one started at 5am, when I picked up J, who could barely speak English at that time. We started out w/ some stretching and jumping jacks, followed by running two laps around the park. I ran about one and a half. Next we did some wall sits, pushups, climb ups... more jumping jacks, jump rope, lunges. Gosh. I'm pooped! And my abs are killing me.

I'm pretty pumped, even though this is totally going to kick my ass. The trainer did a body composition test first.. with one of those pinchy things. I'm at 25.5% body fat. Which is just above the average, but well above what's considered to be ideal.

Tomorrow's yoga. Umm.. yah. We'll see how that goes. Bet J topples over at least six times. Taking at least one other person out with her (hi).

Low-flying planes

2009-05-06T07:43:00.003-04:00

Ok, I know it's been a couple of weeks since the "OMG! There's a plane in Manhattan" debauchery. But, it's still on the news. So, I'm going to talk about it.

One simple question: Doesn't the government have access to Photoshop? Because, by paying some designer (actually an intern would do it for free), you could save 300K and get 30 images of AirForce One flying over NYC. Or, the Taj Mahal, or the Eiffel Tower, or Mars!

God, I'd do it for $20. Or an iced coffee. What morons.

And that, my good people, is why I'd make a great president. Although, I really don't care about alot of stuff. And I'm kinda lazy. Also, terrible at geography. I didn't *know* where Pennsylvania was until I actually drove there myself. (I grew up in NY.)

..at least I can communicate w/ customer service reps now

2009-04-12T23:41:00.004-04:00

I think that I've come a long way.

My friend, Cesca's father passed away this week. She has every right to flip out. She was a thirteen hour plane ride away when it happened, and needed to get back home. During travel arrangements things got sticky a couple of times. She told me later that she "flipped out like you before the therapy."

That's pretty sad. I can say that at least I've figured out some of that. My anger and short fuse were the demise of my relationship. And probably the biggest obstacle I've faced throughout my whole life. I've been the thing that's held me back and made me unhappy....and miserable in the past.

After Lee and I broke up, I immediately started seeing a therapist. The trigger? Lee told me that he couldn't bring kids into the hostile environment that I created. To hear that, so clearly, so directly, from the man I thought I was going to marry... well, that shook me hard. That made me snap the fuck out of my pitiful being.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't blame myself for losing that. But, I also feel that I spent twenty six years throwing tantrums. And that I sorta deserved to be punished for my actions. I'm still being punished.

I look at everything differently. It's like a switch went off in my head as I pulled out of his parking lot with my car filled to the brim with three years worth of stuff left behind. With my bike strapped to the trunk. With my towels and tooth brush and pajamas and shoes and laundry and movies and books and life. I knew instantly that I had to change. And I have.

I can't get angry over stupid menial things any more. In fact, it's funny, I can't say I've really been angry at all since the break up. That's strange for me to say since I spent nearly every day of my life prior to that awful day in August, yelling and stomping about something.

God. If only I had been smart enough to fix myself before losing him.

Turn Your Head and Cough

2009-04-03T07:08:00.003-04:00

Well. It's official. I just opened my Amazon package containing my TEAS study guide. The TEAS is way less fun that the name suggests. It's the nursing school entrance exam. It tests you on some weird crap. Apparently, it's mostly a general aptitude test that includes reading comprehension, language, math and basic science. But, I've run across some practice questions that are just ridiculous. But, whatever. I've gotta do it.

I am often asked about what brought this major career switch to the forefront. I'm currently in marketing. I always assumed I'd have an MBA before I turned 30. I'm 27 and I have zero desire to continue on in the corporate office environment. I feel it's slowly killing me. And, I like my current job.

The school I went to required six months of classroom study and six months of internships each year. So, upon graduating I had about two years of office experience. (Part of that was spent bartending, but we don't talk about that.) During that time I did have some beneficial experiences as well. I spent six months at an advertising agency in downtown boston and six months at a major media company. Working at the giant company as a menial peon made me angry. I guess I think I'm important. I don't like office politics. I don't kiss ass. I don't call my co-workers "Mr." or "Ms." because it's ridiculous.

I don't like that at the end of the day, leaving the office, I felt like I had no impact in anything. I don't like that I worked there fore $8 an hour, while the ads and programs I scheduled made billions for the C-level staff.

After college, I changed my focus. Instead of running to the nearest ad agency or media company, I chose to work for a national charitable organization doing PR and marketing. But guess what. A desk's a desk. Shortly after starting, I realized that I was wasting my early 20's sitting in front of a computer, teaching others how to use Excel, and walking on eggshells. I was given constant "professional development" advice from some people who had the worst business sense and ass-kissery I'd ever encountered. I was told I couldn't speak directly to my SVP. What?

While my press releases and instruction manuals did, eventually, lead down a long windy road that resulted in providing charitable aid to people, it was difficult to "feel" that I was having an impact. And, with that missing, I learned that that's what I was craving.

It's funny. I went to a great school for careers in the healthcare sector. Of course, I had no interest in that back then. Now, I'm rushing around, going to night school at a community college to obtain the necessary prerequisites for entry into one of several mediocre Associates degree programs that cater to evening and weekend schedule needs. All in all, it's going to take me longer to complete an AS than it did to complete my BS plus two years of internships.

Regardless of how much effort it will take, I am happy to be doing some hard work in a totally foreign field to achieve an actual goal. Plus, I get to wear a white lab coat.

I want to go to Costa Rica

2009-03-31T12:57:00.003-04:00

I think I need an adventure. My life is hectically boring. Ha. Meaning, I have a ton going on, but none of it is "fun." I work 9-5. I commute an hour to and from. I'm living with my parents. I'm going to school two nights a week 6-9. I'm studying. I'm planning my nursing school entry. I'm thinking about buying a co-op (with what money, I don't know).

But, I'm single. I'm rooted. And, I'm bored. My job's fine. School's fine. Home's fine. But nothing is GREAT! Nothing is exciting. I mean, buying a place will be exciting. But... Then I'll be living alone. And, that seems a little boring too, right? Yes, there are amazing parts to it. Like decorating, and being in control of everything (which I like), and cleaning when you want, and feeling "at home." But, on a Wednesday night, after work, when you're having a glass of wine and watching Lost, you're alone. I like wine. I like Lost. But at when the show's over, it's back to boring.

Anyway. Long story short, I need an adventure. I'm thinking about planning a trip to Costa Rica. Some kind of all-inclusive thing where I can lounge on the beach, go see volcanoes, tour the rain forest. Q will come with me. It's not too expensive. I think I can get a week w/ everything for under $800.

Plus, I get to wear vacation clothes! Yey sundresses!

Am I Supposed to Feel Grateful?

2009-03-19T21:24:00.001-04:00

My company went through layoffs this week. Luckily, out the dozens of people who were let go, I was safe. On the surface, that's friggin awesome. I haven't been with the company too long, so I was kinda shocked to remain. Honestly, I walked in on Monday already having thought through some back-up plans. Like going to school full-time, moving to a new city, living off of the land... But, thankfully, none of that came into play.

Not one day later, I learn that my workload has been tripled. On the one hand, I'm happy just to be getting a paycheck twice a month. On the other, I'm pissed. The work I'm doing has nothing to do with my career path. In fact, it's very similar to the work I was drowning in at my last job.

So now, I ask, "Should I be grateful to have a job even though I'm sure to be taken advantage of in the next few months?" I'm not making more money. I'm not getting a better title. I'm not getting any perks from taking on additional responsibilities. But, I have a job. Is it fair that I - and others in my position - should have to perform at 300% so that the company can save some money in losing other employees?

I don't know the answer to that. But, I fear that stepping up and saying anything will result in bad blood, OR that not saying anything will result in being taken further advantage of...

Maybe it won't be as bad as it seems right now. Maybe it will be worse. All I know is that my team had been pulled in seven different directions since Christmastime. And that work hasn't died down.

bleh..

27 is gonna be a good year?

2009-03-17T20:57:00.001-04:00

Well, four days in and it's pretty much sucked. Saturday night, I had a karaoke festival for my birthday. I drank more sake than I can even keep track of. Roomate lost a shoe. My dad picked us up at 4AM at the train station. It was a mess. I spend more than 20 hours in bed after that. In fact, by the time Monday rolled around, i still wasn't 100%. Obviously, I'm not in college anymore. My body cannot handle this nonsense. Who do I think I am?

And what did Monday bring? A 20% cut in employees in my office. Luckily, I was saved from the chopping block. Thankfully, and surprisingly, since I've only been there for 7 months. I must be doing something right. Still, it was a gloomy, eerie day. Everyone was on edge, and it wasn't until 3PM that we realized the layoffs were over.

I got home to learn that my father ran over my beautiful $500 bike. Sad. It was less than a year old. I saved up and went to about 80 bike shops to find it last June. And not only did he run over it, but then he decided to back up to figure out what it was.... yup, it was my bike. With a bent frame, torn seat, arched wheel. Much less beautiful. Now, since I'm planning on doing the 5-boro bike tour in May, I've got to find myself a new one.

Today, by 10AM, shit hit the fan at work. So, that was a fun mess to clean up. It's actually not even cleaned up yet. I was at work til 7 tonight. That might not seem like a lot, but at a place that's typically 9-5, that's very odd.

Anyway, here's to hoping that Wednesday works out better. gees.

I Read Crap

2009-03-03T14:17:00.001-05:00

I read alot. Alot. But, apparently I read crap-ola.

Here's a list of 100 books that, according to BBC, you should read in your life. Sadly, I have not read enough of these. I have, however, read many young adult novels. So, I think I'm going to start. Anything w/ (X), I've read. And, I'm not including the ones I read in middle/high school that I can't remember. I'm hoping to get through this list in the next couple of years.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (X)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (X)
6 The Bible - (most of it)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (X)
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (X)
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Partial Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier (X)
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (X)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (X)
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (X)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (X)
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (X)
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (X)
34 Emma - Jane Austen (X)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (X)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - (X)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (X)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (X)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (X)
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (X)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon (X)
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (X)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (X)
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (X)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (X)
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (X)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (X)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (X)

..in the beginning

2008-10-23T21:29:00.002-04:00

I began this as a half-assed, whole-hearted way of finding myself. I've always been a strong, independent woman. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I liked and what I disliked. I lost all of that in a cliche.

It's not that the relationship was bad. And I don't blame him for it. On the contrary, I totally blame myself. The relationship took place during a time when my whole world was changing anyway - I was changing. From the ages of 23 to 26.

But, that's a story for another time. I'm starting 2009 off fresh. Not with new years resolutions, but with life resolutions. After evaluating these past few months, I've developed a list. Since somewhere around October, I've been working on these. In no particular order, they are:

1. stop the crazy
2. remember my friends
3. stop taking things out on other people
4. (apparently was) shop shop shop
5. no more shopping
6. get over being single and deal with it
7. read more
8. do things for me
9. don't go out with people i don't like

Should be quite a ride.